16 Signs Of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

The Bully Barometer in our book, When Loving Him Hurts is a useful checklist to evaluate whether or not your relationship qualifies as emotionally abusive. If you say yes to twelve or more of the items in this list, your relationship qualifies as abusive.    Download free copy The Bully Barometer

If you are in an abusive relationship, When Loving Him Hurts will help you understand that abuse is not something to be ashamed of. It hovers in the shadows and secrets of many marriages and relationships. It includes words that cut like knives and humor that’s sugar coated arsenic. Verbally abusive relationships and emotionally abusive marriages are about sexual wounding, humiliation, financial manipulation, threats of rejection and alienation from all that makes you secure.

Rebuilding self-esteem after an emotionally abusive relationship requires an understanding of why and how it happened in the first place. Most abused women are codependents and codependency is bred in childhood.  Codependents equate love with need.  That unless they are working like a slave for a man it isn’t worth anything. The meaning codependents give their lives is derived from saving someone else’s. ​Codependents are never attracted to healthy men because their pathology is that of a codependent.  They  need a damaged wounded man in order to prove that she can save him.

Codependents have poor self-esteem and as a result the insults and dismissive behavior don’t strike them as outrageous or unacceptable. They are quick to blame ourselves and resolve to work harder to gain the recognition they crave. Their currency is approval. At any cost. Even to the cost of their lives.

Healing requires 3 things:

If you are feeling hopeless, helpless and powerless and have a DESIRE to change what you have been doing.

You are DETERMINED to change attitudes and actions that hamper you and nurture those that help you become a master at creating the relationships you deserve.

You are CERTAIN that the seemingly impossible is possible.

If I could do it, so can you!

If you would like to find out more about my courses or if you need help with any relationship concern, please contact me on PhilippaSklaar.com




I was married to not one abuser, not two, but three. I fled from South Africa and from an extremely violent and traumatic marriage to a very well-known Johannesburg personality and resolved to learn a lesson and be more careful next time. In America I met a man who, on the surface, was everything that my second husband was not. Until I owned her own contribution to the dance of abuse I was destined to repeat the pattern. My story exists as proof of this. I am driven to help abused women as I know all too well what it feels like to be misunderstood and ashamed of my inability to let go of a relationship that was killing me. “It’s like wanting to hug a shark – why on earth would anyone do that?” I understand because I have been there, emerged damaged and broken from there and then – heaven forbid – went back! I know what it feels like to yearn for the love of a man who pulled out your hair, spat in your face and tried to choke you. I know what it feels like to tell people you are back there and watch their faces and see them thinking, “then you deserve what you get!” By telling my story, I hope to lift the veil of shame off abuse and encourage women to do the same. Un-silencing the voice is where true healing begins.

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Posted in codependency, domestic violence, abuse, healing, love, dating, relationships, marriage, Uncategorized, verbal abuse

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